In the Moment
by dragonpearlz
Summary: After the death of Tahl, Qui-Gon falls into a depression that leaves Obi-Wan at a loss of what to do. A case of the flu that alters the way Qui-Gon thinks doesn't help either. Obi/Qui


Title: Live in the Moment

'_Tahl…'_ Qui-Gon's mind drifted to the death of his best friend. He thought she would be fine –that he didn't have to protect her. Now she was dead, and there was nothing he could do about that. He sighed and tried to shake himself out of his daze. He knew he should have been living in the moment. He had a padawan hurting almost as badly as he was. He should be caring for him. _'But,'_ he thought, as the tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, _who is going to care for me?'_

Obi-Wan watched his Master silently. His feelings of loss were nothing compared to his Masters. He knew his Master hadn't been sleeping since the incident. Honestly, he hadn't been either. Every time he'd try to get close to the man, however, he would withdraw further into himself. Knowing that Qui-Gon needed to release, Obi-wan took his as a hint and backed off considerably. Not that his Master noticed.

And Bant, poor Bant had been in seclusion ever since the incident. She wouldn't speak to anyone. Her pain ran too deep.

"Obi-Wan!" Yoda rapped his stick on the floor, drawing his attention at once. "Attention to me you must pay if to survive you are."

Obi-Wan nodded. His thought has been on his Master, and how gruff his voice sounded that morning. Qui-Gon hadn't slept or eaten properly in weeks, and he was worried Qui-Gon was getting sick. "I'm sorry, Master Yoda," he responded. "My thoughts were somewhere else."

Yoda leaned in, so he could not be heard by the other students. "On your Master, your thoughts were."

"Yes Master," Obi-Wan responded humbly.

"Not on you his thoughts are. Not on him should your thoughts be. Be thinking in the moment you should."

"Yes Master," he said, although the only part of that he agreed with was that his Masters thoughts were not on him.

"Chuh!" Qui-Gon sniffed. "Heh-Chuh!" He hung his head in exhaustion. He had felt the illness upon him for some time. He knew he could not hide it from Obi-wan – his padawan was too attentive for that. But, he hoped Obi-Wan had healed enough to care for an ailing Master.

Obi-Wan gripped his swollen arm. He and Master Yoda had been sparring and he though the felt a tremor over the bond he and his Master shared. The split second it took him to analyze the tremor was a split second too long. Yoda came around and hit him in the arm. Even with the training saber it burned so badly he yelped and dropped his saber. He had refused to go to the Healing Dome. After all, they would only wrap it and apply ice. He had convinced Master Yoda that he would do it himself and started the walk back to their quarters.

About halfway there his arm started to swell and bruise. It hurt dreadfully and he had difficulty using it. He resolved to have Qui-Gon look at it and then take himself to the healing dome. He knew he needed the help.

Obi-Wan walked in on his Master having an intense sneezing fit. "…chuh! Heh-Chuh! Huh-Chuh! Atchc-huh! Etchjchoo!' The last sneeze resulted in a gurgling blow. "Padawan," he said, congestion evident in his voice. "you're home early."

Obi-Wan rolled his shoulder to ease the dull throb. It didn't work. He decided to ignore the statement – lest he draw attention to himself. "How are you feeling?" he asked, referring to his Master's mental state.

"Sick."

"I can see that."

"Then why did you ask?" Qui-Gon snapped.

Obi-Wan flinched at the harshness, but at least he had gotten attention from his Master. It was the first time in weeks, and that had to be a good thing. "I just wanted to show you some concern."

"I don't need your concern. I need your care. I'm disappointed in you, Obi-wan. I expect better. You're usually more attentive than this."

Obi-Wan dropped his gaze. His arm would have to wait. It wasn't as important as getting his Master back to his old self anyway. His arm would heal, but if he didn't help his Master, there would be no telling what would happen. "I'm sorry, Master. Would you like dinner?"

Qui-Gon nodded. "A bit. Maybe soup. Before I lose my appetite completely."

Obi-Wan gingerly removed his training robes, and looked at his swollen arm. The skin had torn apart in several places causing the wound to look worse than it probably was. The purple and black bruise over the saber burn was growing. Obi-Wan was relieved that they'd only been using training sabers. Had this been a real light saber, he would have lost his arm entirely. It had taught him something however – to live in the moment.

He wrapped his arm snuggly, wincing at the pain. He applied a lemon balm treatment over the bandage, and took a quivering breath as he let the faint feeling pass over him.

"Obi-Wan?" he heard Qui-Gon call weakly.

He frowned. Qui-Gon had been sleeping for the first time in days – possibly weeks. He'd hoped it would have lasted longer.

"Coming, Master," he said, pulling his robes back on.

Qui-Gon was sitting up in bed. His face was drawn and his nose pinked, but he was not running a fever. "Come here, Obi-Wan. I have a question for you."

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Obi-Wan gave his Master his undivided attention.

"Where were you when Tahl was struck down?"

"Not far from her. I sensed what was going to happen and was trying to get to her."

"And you were delayed?"

Obi-Wan swallowed against the cold sweat that he was feeling. "Yes."

Qui-Gon nodded. "And now my best friend is dead." _/My best friend. The only person who I have loved since Xanatos…dead…/_

He meant for it to be a closed thought, but in his weariness, he let Obi-Wan hear him loud and clear.

_/I'm sorry, Master/_ Obi-Wan sent back, his sadness apparent.

"I'm sure you think you did the best you could," Qui-Gon said, forcing a smile. He knew Obi-Wan was grieving. He didn't want to place guilt on him as well.

"I always do the best I can, Master."

Qui-Gon looked thoughtful for a moment. Then his eyes fluttered shut. "Heh-chuh!"

"Bless you, Master." Obi-Wan went to move hair out of Qui-Gon's face, but withdrew his arm quickly when the muscle screamed in protest.

"Sometimes we fail at doing our best," Qui-Gon said. They were sage words from Yoda, and seemed fitting. But, he felt a wave of sorrow, guilt, and grief, which was not his own, wash over him.

He placed his hand on Obi-Wan's arm, but it was quickly pushed away, as Obi-Wan jumped up. "Go back to sleep, Qui. I'll be out in the main room," he said, planting a soft kiss on his forehead.

Qui-Gon frowned. That wasn't what he meant at all.

Obi-Wan iced his arm as Qui-Gon slept. The pain in his arm was growing in intensity and Qui-Gons' words stung him to the point of guilt. He already knew it was his fault that Master Tahl was dead, that his Master was in such pain, that his Master was ashamed of him, and that it was probably the end of his Jedi training.

He heard his Master's congested snores as he cried himself to sleep.

"Obi-Wan?" He woke up to his Master's voice. He sounded annoyed.

Quickly, he covered his arm. "What's the matter, Master?"

Qui-Gon was making his way towards him. In the darkness it was difficult to make out Qui-Gon's features, but Obi-Wan got the sense of bewilderment, and he could tell his Master had a fever.

"You're not in bed. You don't come when you're called. You need," he stumbled and fell to his knees.

Startled, Obi-Wan turned the lights on the dim setting. Qui-Gon was dripping with sweat.

Quickly, he went to help. "Qui, you have to get back to bed."

"You're not as attentive as you used to be," Qui-Gon said, as Obi-Wan lowered him back onto the bed.

"I'm sorry, Master."

"Then why didn't you come when I called you?"

Obi-Wan recoiled. Had he been called?

"I'm sorry, Master. I didn't hear you."

"Sorry again," Qui-Gon said, shaking his head. He brought a hand to his face and sneezed wetly. He sniffed and Obi-Wan handed him a tissue. "I had time to think while I waited for you tonight." He paused. "You're a sorry excuse for a padawan. Unable to defend another Jedi in the same room. How can I depend on you if this is your history?"

"Qui?" Obi-Wan asked. This was more than just a fever. This was serious.

"Tomorrow, we're going before the other Masters and I am releasing you from my care and training."

Obi-Wan felt his heart break. The trust had been severed. He had been afraid of this. Suddenly, his arm didn't hurt anymore. He felt light headed, and bowed his head in shame.

"Leave me," Qui-Gon commanded.

Saddened beyond belief, he walked out of the room.

When Qui-Gon awoke he felt one hundred percent better. The hurt, anger, and depression had lifted – and taken his cold with it. He smiled brightly. He had made it though the darkness.

When he went to the kitchen, Obi-Wan had already prepared breakfast. "Morning," he mumbled. "Here eat something." He thrust the plate of toast at Qui-Gon.

"Actually, I'd like some real food," Qui-Gon said, eyeing Obi-Wan's eggs and bacon. "Today, I think we should go before the Council. I have a special request to ask of them, and think it would be wise if you were there."

Obi-Wan looked as though Qui-Gon has slapped him. "Take it," Obi-Wan replied, pushing his food towards Qui-Gon and getting up quickly. "I'm not hungry anyway." And with that, he took off out the door.

Sitting down to breakfast, Qui-Gon frowned. He knew that he had been out of sorts lately, but how could he have missed that his padawan was hurting so badly. He would speak to the council today to have Obi-Wan released from his duties, so that he could properly tend to him. 'Yes,' he thought. 'That will be perfect.'

Bant opened her eyes to see Obi-Wan before her. She gasped and then looked at him scrupulously. "How did you get in here?" she demanded.

He handed over his light saber. "Kill me," he commanded.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"It's my fault your Master is dead. All my fault. So, just kill me and get it over with."

Bant shook her head. Initially, she had been angry. Angry at herself, Obi-Wan, and the Force. But, with careful meditation, she had learned to accept that it wasn't any of the fault. It was just the way it was.

"Obi, this isn't your fault. Have the other padawans been giving you a hassle?"

"No, Qui-Gon told me it was. And, he's releasing me today."

"He what?!" she exclaimed. That didn't sound right.

"He's been depressed," Obi-Wan explained. "He's been sick. And, last night he told me that I'm a disappointment to him and that he doesn't want to be my Master anymore. Bant, you more than anybody has a reason to be mad at me, for my inability to defend Master Tahl," he lit his light saber, "please," he begged handing it over to her, "just kill me."

He bowed his head and waited for the pain to end.

She turned off his light saber. "I won't," she said quietly, and then went back to her meditations.

"Glad to see you back in good spirits I am, Qui-Gon," Yoda said as he and Qui-Gon sat down to lunch, and Dex's.

"Yes, it has been too long," Qui-Gon agreed.

"A good padawan you have."

"Yes, Obi-Wan cared very well for me. And, now I must do something for him. Do you think the Council would allow a reprieve from duties to allow him time to heal as he has allowed me?"

"Confer with them you must. Agree I think they will."

Qui-Gon smiled. If Yoda agreed with the idea, the other Masters most assuredly would too.

"Speaking of healing, how is Obi-Wan's arm?" Master Yoda inquired. "Hurt him badly I did. Mean to I did not."

"His arm is fine. Why?"

"Good. Hit too hard during our training session he was."

"Obi-Wan can handle it Master. He's a trooper."

"What have you done to yourself?" Healer Zin asked, as he examined Obi-Wan's arm.

"Training injury. Can you fix it?"

"It'll take surgery. You really did a number on yourself this time.

Obi-Wan frowned. The council was meeting in less than 5 hours. "You have four hours," he said.

Qui-Gon stood before the Council. "I have come to request that Obi-Wan be released from duty, until he has time to heal from the unfortunate demise of Master Tahl. Due to my recent frame of mind, I do not believe he has adequately healed."

"Of course," Mace agreed. As did Yoda, and Kai Adi Mundi.

"When do you expect he shall be ready to return to duty?" Mace asked.

"It could take two weeks or more," Qui-Gon answered honestly.

"Report to us in three weeks," Mace commanded.

"I shall. Thank you." He gave a slight bow and gracefully exited the room.

When Obi-Wan woke up it was considerably longer than four hours later. He paled. It was done. He was no longer a padawan. And, he hadn't even been there to defend himself.

"Wow, when you hurt yourself, you really do a number," Healer Zin said, coming in with some water.

"What happened?"

"Your muscles were severely damaged, as were your nerves. I had to do some pretty hefty surgery to get you back to working order. You'll be sore for a while, but you should recover well."

Obi-Wan gave a half hearted smile. "Thanks. I probably should be getting back to my room now."

"You're right, you should. Would you like me to tell your Master you're coming?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. Qui-Gon wasn't his Master anymore anyway.

"I don't know," Dex said, shaking his head. "Padawan's aren't supposed to have jobs."

"I told you, I'm not a padawan anymore," Obi-Wan protested.

"I've seen your Master angry, Kenobi. I don't intend to have that wrath directed at me."

"He won't care. He released me today." Obi-Wan was getting desperate. Without the Temple, he'd need a way to earn money. Otherwise, he'd be living on the streets doing Force knows what.

Dex wasn't sure either. If Obi-Wan really had been released, the rumor would have circulated and manifested itself ten-fold. But, he had heard nothing about it. He recalled seeing Master Jinn eating with Master Yoda. But, they didn't seem to be discussing a situation as heavy as this. It seemed to him they were discussing something else entirely.

"When the Temple officially throws you out, I will take you in," he replied, after some hesitation.

"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied, bowing slightly. It wasn't much, but it would have to be enough.

Qui-Gon paced the floor of their quarters. It was well after supper time and Obi-Wan still wasn't home. He had already been out to look for him, twice. He hoped he had gone out with friends, and forgotten the time.

The doorbell chimed, and he nearly ran to open it.

"Obi-Bant? What are you doing here?"

"Master Jinn, may I enter?" she asked quietly.

"Of course," he said, moving to let her in. "May I get you anything?"

"No. Thank you." She sat on the couch and waited for him to sit next to her. "It's 22:00, do you know where you're padawan is?" she asked in a quiet humor all her own.

Qui-Gon shook his head. "I do not. But, I get the feeling you do."

She shook her head. "No, I don't." She ended her statement with such finality that Qui-Gon was certain that she would not speak of it again.

"Then how did you know he was missing?"

"I didn't. I assumed." Her voice was soft and tired. Her eyes were lifeless, a far cry from the Bant he remembered.

"Why would you assume that?"

She handed him Obi-Wan's light saber.

Qui-Gon paled considerably. "Where did you get that?"

"He gave it to me. With the explicit order to kill him with it."

Qui-Gon's eyes went wide with shock.

"I didn't, of course. But, he left without it. That alarmed me almost as much as the request."

Pain filled Qui-Gon's chest. "Why?"

She tilted her head. "Why what?"

"Why would he want you to kill him? Why would he leave without it?"

"According to him, you are ashamed of him. And, blame him for my Master's death."

"I did nothing of the sort." A quick memory flashed through his mind. He remember yelling at Obi-Wan, and hearing Obi-Wan cry. But, that had been a dream. Hadn't it?

"He seems to think you did. He seems to think you were releasing him today. It was a pain he couldn't bear."

Qui-Gon furrowed his brow in confusion. This sounded just like his dream. But, it couldn't be. If Obi-Wan had been that upset, why didn't he just talk to him? None of this was making any sense.

Bant could sense Qui-Gon's confusion. "Here," she said handing him Obi-Wan's light saber. This is best left in your care."

"I appreciate it," Qui-Gon said, and then showed Bant to the door.

When Obi-Wan returned, Qui-Gon was asleep on the couch.

Obi-Wan tried to slip past him, but his Master was too tuned into the Force. "Going somewhere Kenobi?" he asked, his voice full of annoyance.

"To bed," is all Obi-Wan tried to say.

"To bed," Qui-Gon repeated after him. He looked at the chrono. It was past 03:00. "And where were you?"

"Out."

"Out," Qui-Gon repeated. "Is that all the explanation I get?"

"What more do you need?" At Qui-Gon's look of confusion he continued, "I assume you spoke with the Council today?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"They have agreed to the arrangement."

Obi-Wan's heart fell, and tears slide down his cheeks.

"Obi-Wan, what is it? Is this about Master Tahl?"

"Master Tahl? No…this is about. Oh, never mind. If you don't understand, no one will." Obi-Wan took a few deep breaths. "I'll go collect my things and be out of your home shortly."

"My home?" Qui-Gon asked. "Obi-Wan, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing, Master Jinn. It is no longer worth getting into."

Rising to his feet, Qui-Gon approached him. "Here," he said, handing him his light saber. "If you're going to go out, you might as well take this."

"Bant?" Obi-Wan breathed.

Qui-Gon nodded. "She was here earlier with some notion that you thought that I wanted to release you as my padawan."

'_Some notion,'_ Obi-Wan thought. "Keep it. I can't take it away from the Temple."

Qui-Gon grabbed Obi-Wan's arm. "Where are you going? You're not allowed to leave the Temple."

Obi-Wan gasped in pain.

"I will not allow it."

"Are you going to hold me hostage too?" Obi-Wan asked quietly.

Qui-Gon's grip on his arm tightened and he screamed in pain. Force pushing Qui-Gon away, he tore from the room at top speed.

"Meditated enough you have," Yoda said, handing Obi-Wan a cup of tea. "Ready to talk you should be."

Carefully, Obi-Wan took the steaming mug. "Yes, Master. It all started with the death of Master Tahl…

"What were you discussing with Master Yoda?" Qui-Gon asked.

He had followed him to Yoda's quarters, but decided to give his young Padawan some time to think and cool off before collecting him.

"Just your decision to release me."

Qui-Gon's head was tilted back, and his eyes fluttering with the impending sneeze. "Heh-chuh! Excuse me, what?"

"Your choice to release me. You told me you were going before the council to have them release me from your charge."

Qui-Gon looked as if Obi-Wan had slapped him. "Why would I ever want to release you?"

"Because of my failing with Master Tahl. You said you don't trust me anymore."

"Heh-Chuh! Hah-Cheh! Kesshessh!" Qui-Gon blew his nose forcefully.

"You contemptible liar!" Qui-Gon snapped.

As they entered their quarters, Qui-Gon lit his lightsaber. "If you want to pass your trials, you have to beat me first. Go ahead, Kenobi, attack!" With that, he deftly swung his lightsaber at Obi-Wan, missing him only by inches.

Within seconds Obi-Wan had his lightsaber lit and was fending off a violent attack. "If you're going to be ungrateful, then I don't need you," Qui-Gon seethed, lightsabers crashing against each other.

Obi-Wan's arm screamed in protest, as he felt his hand start to go numb. For the first time ever, he was afraid of his Master. He was certain Qui-Gon was going to hurt him.

Qui-Gon pushed Obi-Wan against the wall and growled, "No wonder you couldn't save Master Tahl. You wouldn't even pass your trials. You're quite the disappointment, I must say."

Using energy he didn't know he possessed, Obi-Wan force pushed Qui-Gon against the far wall. Qui landed on the ground with a sickening crack, and Obi-Wan froze. His Master lay lifeless on the ground. Quickly, he went to the intercom and summoned the healers before running out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him.

Obi-Wan stood painfully still as he watched his Master sleep. The healers told him that he had contracted Gengriea Flu, which was a systemic virus that attacked both the immune and neurological centers of the body. "Master?" Obi-Wan whispered so quietly he could barely make out his own voice. When Qui-Gon didn't answer, Obi-Wan continued. "I'm sorry you are so terribly ashamed of me. And I'm sorry I let you down and failed Master Tahl. If only two there must be, then I shall exit gracefully, and let you take Bant. She deserves a Master. And, you deserve a padawan that you can rely on." Without another word he placed his lightsaber in Qui-Gon's hand, and slipped out of the room.

Meanwhile, two tears leaked from behind Qui-Gon's closed eye lids.

"What did you do?" Healer Zin snapped when Obi-Wan showed him his arm.

Obi-Wan shook his head. I didn't tell Master Jinn what happened, and he insisted on sparring.

The healer shook his head. "You Padawans, always trying to impress your Masters. When are you going to realize that your Masters accept you for who you are? Otherwise, they wouldn't have chosen you to begin with." After running some tests he sighed heavily. "You're going to need surgery – again. This time, I'm not as sure that I can save the arm."

Obi-Wan nodded. It was a really rotten day.

"The healers were able to fix my arm. However, they say that I will be undergoing healing for at least three months. I can't properly serve my Master, or you Masters. And, as you well know, my Master will understand."

After the surgery, Obi-Wan had requested an audience with the other Masters.

"We will take your request seriously, Padawan Kenobi. But, we will not simply release you while your Master is healing," Master Adi Mundi said seriously. In truth, Obi-Wan's request to be released shocked the council. But, he would never admit it.

"I have agreed to take care of Master Qui-Gon until he has sufficiently recovered enough to take care of himself."

"Good," Yoda said. "On you, his thoughts are."

"How are you feeling?" Mace asked.

"Broken," Qui-Gon grunted. "My Padawan has said he wants to be released."

Mace sat down next to the bed. "That's ridiculous. Obi-Wan looks up to you."

"No, Mace. He told me that it's his fault that Tahl is dead, and that he doesn't deserve to be a Padawan because of his failure to me.

"And where would he get an idea like that?"

"Me," Qui-Gon whispered, ashamed. "I think I spewed some nonsense that I was feeling about myself at him." He groaned and went to rub his head.

"Don't do that. The healers haven't been healed you completely."

"What happened?"

"According to Obi-Wan, he was losing a sparring bout to you, and force pushed you into the wall."

"He did." But, that wasn't the way that he recalled it. He remembered angrily attacking Obi-Wan, and the look of terror in Obi-Wan's eyes to get away of it. "It was a damn good force push."

Mace laughed. "It was. He gave you a concussion."

"He flew me off my feet. He has a strong connection to the force."

"You're one lucky, Master. You'll see Obi-Wan to knighthood."

"If he lets me," Qui-Gon mumbled.

It was two days before the healers released Qui-Gon into Obi-Wan's care. The first part of the day Qui-Gon slept off the rest of his fever, while Obi-Wan bustled around their rooms making sure every room would have a comforting aspect to Qui-Gon. Hurt as he was, he couldn't deny the feelings of loyalty and love he felt for his Master.

Qui-Gon watched his Padawan move around their quarters. He seemed rigid, like he was nervous about doing something wrong – or like he was in a stranger's house. He also noticed that Obi-Wan was quiet. Too quiet. His Padawan was never silent – even when studying, he would whisper to himself. Now, the air barely moved when he moved, in fact, even the force around him seemed still.

After an hour of watching, Qui-Gon could no longer stand it. "Obi, we have to talk." His gravely voice cut through the silence like a lightsaber through butter.

Obi-Wan paused, and walked back to Qui-Gon silently. "Hush now, Master. It hurts you to speak. Whatever it is – it can wait."

"No, it can't." Qui-Gon cleared his throat. "Come sit by me."

Obi-Wan hesitated, before he walked over. "I'll stand. I'm sure you don't want me that close."

"I'm not contagious. Hesshissh! Albeit, I'm still a little sniffily."

"It's okay Master. I'll stand."

Qui-Gon sensed the mistrust in his Padawan, and felt tears well up in his eyes. "Obi-Wan, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Obi-Wan knew that whenever Qui-Gon got sick he got needy and had a guilt streak a mile long. "You're sick. You can't help it. And, I'm going to stay until you get better."

"This is yours," he said handing Obi-Wan his lightsaber. "I don't want Bant as a Padawan. I want you. I'm not training a healer. I'm training a leader."

Obi-Wan shook his head. "You need a Padawan you can trust."

"I d-hue Hesstchoo!" A wave a dizziness swept over him. "I do trust you. And I need you."

"You don't. I know you don't. It's too late to pretend otherwise."

"Obi, I do. I'm sorry. I vented at you the feelings I felt against myself." He suppressed a cough. "I felt betrayed when you defied me. But, that's a trust that you've been building back ever since you came back." He knuckled at the tickle in his nose.

"How?"

"Raffresshoo!" Qui-Gon sneezed violently.

"Bless you," Obi-Wan said tenderly. He sat on the edge of the bed and handed him a handkerchief. He diverted his eyes and Qui-Gon blew his nose and flopped back onto the pillows.

"You're here," Qui-Gon answered in a tired voice. "I hurt you – physically and emotionally, and betrayed your trust far worse than you betrayed mine. And, yet, you're still here." He sighed, and braced himself for the ultimate rejection. Not that he hadn't earned it. "If you can forgive me, I can forgive you."

Obi-Wan paused. He didn't want to leave. Smiling ever so slightly, Obi-Wan nodded.

"Are you sure you want to rescind your original request?" Mace asked.

"Yes, Master. My master and I have take stpes to correct the problem, and I wish to remain by his side."

"Qui-Gon, are you willing to continue to train Padawan Kenobi?"

"Yes, and I want no other. I trust him implicitly, and he is my Padawan."

Yoda nodded. "The will of the council it is that you remain Master and Padawan."

Both Master and Padawan bowed and left the room – smiling.


End file.
